Perhaps at times, deceased relatives would share messages to me that I am tasked to disclose to those who are still alive. Unfortunately, I have quite a blunt memory. When I wake up after dreaming about so and so, I would only recall snippets and forget messages mentioned all together. So maybe they sort of got tired of telling me what is out there. And yes, I have come across my loving grandmother from time to time in dreams. I just wish we could have an actual conversation and that I'd be assured that everything will be fine.
I also wish I could actually remember the conversation too.
The last time Mommy Isabel and I were together with just the two of us was in Robinson's Galleria. She kept on apologizing to me how she found walking quite hard and how she might be a burden to me. We went to TERIAKI BOY and she ordered her favorite chicken dish but she only had a bite of it. She told me that she could not taste the chicken. In a way, she was expressing how she was becoming fragile and weak. This was unlikely of her because she was even actively playing bowling and bingo months before.
That was late 2009 after I have given birth to Adam I think. By March of 2010, Mommy Isabel passed away. Weeks before her passing, she would mention of women she did not know standing near her. Of course we could not see these women. She would get mad at me for coaxing her to take her medicine and would tell me that its no use. She even managed to greet me a happy birthday. She was weak, but her memory was extremely sharp.
Like my very own mother, Mommy Isabel taught me the value of thoughtfulness and generosity. She never missed a single occasion...be it heart's day, Christmas, birthdays, etc. Such an open book, she would even discuss her love life, her exposures as a stenographer, her stint in vaudeville, her experience during the Japanese occupation, and how she disciplined her kids although she hardly told me about her life as a public school principal. In hindsight, I could have asked her more about that, with most of our family members, having dabbled in education at one point or the other. At times while she shared her entire life to me, she could sense if I had problems. I remember seeing her deep concern for me. Still, she never forced me into telling her what's bothering me and I loved her even more for it. I felt how truly accepting she was of me.
And although I am not as diligent in visiting her in the memorial park unlike my mom, who makes it a habit to visit her every Sunday, I know that Mommy Isabel knows how I truly love and care for her.
|I took this photo right outside the barbershop. Its a reminder|
to me of the beauty that surrounds us even in the most unlikely
places such as telephone/power lines.
Morbid as it may seem, this is one surreal instance that sort of sticks, that heightens my fear that anytime, our mission here on Earth will be over, to such extents that we might not even know what hit us between the eyes. What happened a week ago was meant to happen I suppose. Its personal meaning to me is to be prepared always for you'll never know when what you have set out to do will come to an end. Its such a wake-up call about how life is so short...that one day you're laughing and smiling and then the next day, you are gone. It's happened to someone already some place else, you've seen it on the news, but when it creeps upon you because you've been with this person days before, the blow becomes harder. And then you go about your busy day, pretending that everything is just fine but deep down, you are bursting at the seams.
And then you go down memory lane, recalling all the dramas of your life, things that seemed unlikely to happen, that would only be captured in a "teleserye" or soap opera, but literally happened to you anyway.These are things that you would like to shake off but can't. To pretend to be fine is the worst feeling ever, but it is necessary because there are others counting on you.
|The road may seem unending but like everything else in this|
world, there is a beginning and an end.
Still, I am luckier than most. I am blessed with a life that most people would dream of having. We all have different crosses to bear and whatever cross I am carrying right now, it is with the belief that everything that happens in life has a purpose or reason. To ask to have a glimpse of things I no longer have control over may be asking too much.
I miss Mommy Isabel. I know for a fact that she will not scare me out of my wits (knowing that I am the worst possible coward) but I feel at times that she is around, watching over us, even my kids. I am thankful for that. I am grateful that she has
become a part of who I am as a person.